Hi Everyone,
I'm consolidating my blogs at http://guyfarmer.com/blog. I'm shifting to more of a training focus with personal and professional development and self-awareness at the core. I look forward to seeing you over there.
Take care,
Guy
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Self Awareness and Dating
I've noticed that when people ask me for relationship advice a recurring questions is, "Why can't I find anyone." There are many ways people arrive at this conclusion. I'll list them and put a self-awareness twist on each. In this way you can move in a different direction and find out how much power you really have to affect your dating life.
1. I keep going out with bad boys/girls. Different direction: I get myself healthy enough to recognize that it's OK to treat myself well and go out with positive people.
2. I feel lonely. Different direction: I actively work on things that resolve why I am lonely and emphasize learning about myself before dating.
3. Where can I meet people? Different direction: When you get yourself healthy and do the things you love you move in circles where you attract people who are like you.
4. All men/women are terrible. Different direction: There are a lot of great people out there we just need to learn to accept them into our lives and be healthy enough to encourage good people to go out with us.
Hope these ideas help navigate the dating waters. Dating is ultimately what you make it; you have a lot of control over where it goes.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach
1. I keep going out with bad boys/girls. Different direction: I get myself healthy enough to recognize that it's OK to treat myself well and go out with positive people.
2. I feel lonely. Different direction: I actively work on things that resolve why I am lonely and emphasize learning about myself before dating.
3. Where can I meet people? Different direction: When you get yourself healthy and do the things you love you move in circles where you attract people who are like you.
4. All men/women are terrible. Different direction: There are a lot of great people out there we just need to learn to accept them into our lives and be healthy enough to encourage good people to go out with us.
Hope these ideas help navigate the dating waters. Dating is ultimately what you make it; you have a lot of control over where it goes.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Seniors and Retirement
So you're a senior and you are looking for ways to enjoy retirement. I help
seniors figure out what they want to do with the rest of their
lives. Retirement can be both exciting and challenging time in our
lives. Seniors are in a position to do some great things with the
remainder
of their lives but may not have access to advice that will help them
make the most of their talents and abilities. Seniors today have much
to give and enjoy and want to live fulfilling lives. Gone are the days
when one had to sit around do nothing, today's seniors are active and
full of life and vigor.
The key to retirement is to make it rewarding for you. Ask yourself the
following questions to figure out what you want to do with the rest of
your life.
Do I want to work?
What is my passion in life and am I pursuing it?
What unresolved issues do I need to fix in my life?
How is my relationship like with those I love?
What are my skills and talents?
What will I do with the rest of my life.
What brings me great joy and am I doing that?
Take a moment to think about who you really are as a person and what you
want to purposefully do with your life. When I coach people, I help them
clarify what they want out of life and plan for the future. I'm always
amazed at the wonderful things that people can do when they follow
their dreams.
As you think about retirement try to include things you love and that have
great meaning to you. Retirement can be a wonderful time to show the
world who you are and leave your mark as the great person you are.
Have a purposeful day,
Guy
Life Coach Reno
seniors figure out what they want to do with the rest of their
lives. Retirement can be both exciting and challenging time in our
lives. Seniors are in a position to do some great things with the
remainder
of their lives but may not have access to advice that will help them
make the most of their talents and abilities. Seniors today have much
to give and enjoy and want to live fulfilling lives. Gone are the days
when one had to sit around do nothing, today's seniors are active and
full of life and vigor.
The key to retirement is to make it rewarding for you. Ask yourself the
following questions to figure out what you want to do with the rest of
your life.
Do I want to work?
What is my passion in life and am I pursuing it?
What unresolved issues do I need to fix in my life?
How is my relationship like with those I love?
What are my skills and talents?
What will I do with the rest of my life.
What brings me great joy and am I doing that?
Take a moment to think about who you really are as a person and what you
want to purposefully do with your life. When I coach people, I help them
clarify what they want out of life and plan for the future. I'm always
amazed at the wonderful things that people can do when they follow
their dreams.
As you think about retirement try to include things you love and that have
great meaning to you. Retirement can be a wonderful time to show the
world who you are and leave your mark as the great person you are.
Have a purposeful day,
Guy
Life Coach Reno
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Are Your Expectations in Relationships Realistic?
Over Valentine's Day I talked with many people and I kept hearing a recurring theme about not being loved or not having kindness reciprocated. This is a very common theme in relationships: one person expects one thing only to have their hopes dashed, the other seems oblivious.
The difficulty arises when we hold on to our expectations even when we see repeated evidence that we will never get what we expect. Expectations then become more of a hindrance than help. Some people hang on to expectations perhaps mistakenly thinking they stand for hope.
Hope is really greatly affected by the actions we take. If we move in directions that lead us down the same path no amount of hope can change the course. If, however, we do things differently then we can begin entertaining hope that things will change because we are actually breaking the patterns we've established.
Changing the way we do things is the only way to modify our situation. No amount of hope or expectations can take the place of real communication and work in our relationships. The great news is that we can do things to change the course of our relationships, they just take some courage and movement in a different direction.
Take care,
Guy
Coaching Services
The difficulty arises when we hold on to our expectations even when we see repeated evidence that we will never get what we expect. Expectations then become more of a hindrance than help. Some people hang on to expectations perhaps mistakenly thinking they stand for hope.
Hope is really greatly affected by the actions we take. If we move in directions that lead us down the same path no amount of hope can change the course. If, however, we do things differently then we can begin entertaining hope that things will change because we are actually breaking the patterns we've established.
Changing the way we do things is the only way to modify our situation. No amount of hope or expectations can take the place of real communication and work in our relationships. The great news is that we can do things to change the course of our relationships, they just take some courage and movement in a different direction.
Take care,
Guy
Coaching Services
How to Fix a Marriage Problem
Many couples reach challenging points in their marriage and don't know what to do about them. We repeat an endless cycle of getting hurt, hurting back and perpetuating the hurt through our actions. This often happens even in marriages where both people are kind, intelligent and caring. So what is it that causes this conflict and what can we do about it. Following are some causes of conflict:
Neither person understands the other person's point of view.
There is not a meeting of the minds on issues.
Neither side backs down.
Each side tries to win.
Neither side has the skills or knowledge to fix the problem.
The people involved are hurt, angry, frustrated or sad.
The good news is that you can help your situation by thinking about new ways of doing things. The key point is to start a process where nobody wins and both of you collaborate to find a solution that works for both of you. Think of some of the following ideas and begin connecting with your spouse in ways that will benefit both of you.
Both agree to talk.
Set up an interruption-free time to talk.
Agree on one thing to talk about.
Brainstorm possible ideas to fix the problem.
Evaluate each option.
Agree together on the resolution that works best for both of you.
Work together to take action on the resolution.
Move to the next problem.
Think about getting a neutral person involved to mediate.
I also encourage my clients to do away with the word "problem" and look at the challenges in life as opportunities for movement in a more positive direction. Looking at challenging situations in a positive light gives you the opportunity to actually fix things rather than repeating the same patterns.
So the next time you are in the middle of a fight, redirect your thoughts to the possiblity that both of you can work together and purposefully resolve the matter.
Have a great problem-solving day,
Guy
Life Coach Reno
Neither person understands the other person's point of view.
There is not a meeting of the minds on issues.
Neither side backs down.
Each side tries to win.
Neither side has the skills or knowledge to fix the problem.
The people involved are hurt, angry, frustrated or sad.
The good news is that you can help your situation by thinking about new ways of doing things. The key point is to start a process where nobody wins and both of you collaborate to find a solution that works for both of you. Think of some of the following ideas and begin connecting with your spouse in ways that will benefit both of you.
Both agree to talk.
Set up an interruption-free time to talk.
Agree on one thing to talk about.
Brainstorm possible ideas to fix the problem.
Evaluate each option.
Agree together on the resolution that works best for both of you.
Work together to take action on the resolution.
Move to the next problem.
Think about getting a neutral person involved to mediate.
I also encourage my clients to do away with the word "problem" and look at the challenges in life as opportunities for movement in a more positive direction. Looking at challenging situations in a positive light gives you the opportunity to actually fix things rather than repeating the same patterns.
So the next time you are in the middle of a fight, redirect your thoughts to the possiblity that both of you can work together and purposefully resolve the matter.
Have a great problem-solving day,
Guy
Life Coach Reno
Not Everything is About You
When I teach people conflict resolution the question often comes up, "So what am I supposed to do if someone is getting mad at me?" Though counterintuitive, the answer is that you don't have to do much, just listen. The next time someone is getting upset while talking with you try these techniques:
1. Listen actively.
2. Nod and smile.
3. If you must talk do so only to say, "Tell me more."
You will be absolutely amazed at the results you will get from simply listening to someone. The trap we fall in is that we think that, when other people are upset, it must be about us. When you give someone the space and opportunity to simply talk and be validated then they will give you much more information than if you engage them in a conflict.
So, give it a try. The next time you are about to get in an argument tell yourself that it is not about you and give the other person the chance to tell you about themselves. Once you master this skill, you will find that many of the conflicts you formerly had will disappear because you will no longer be part of the conflict.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach Reno
1. Listen actively.
2. Nod and smile.
3. If you must talk do so only to say, "Tell me more."
You will be absolutely amazed at the results you will get from simply listening to someone. The trap we fall in is that we think that, when other people are upset, it must be about us. When you give someone the space and opportunity to simply talk and be validated then they will give you much more information than if you engage them in a conflict.
So, give it a try. The next time you are about to get in an argument tell yourself that it is not about you and give the other person the chance to tell you about themselves. Once you master this skill, you will find that many of the conflicts you formerly had will disappear because you will no longer be part of the conflict.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach Reno
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Improving Communication in Your Family
Families are interesting entities in that they can be a source both of great strength but also amazing frustration. The people I've worked with have taught me many things about families and I'd like to share a few so that you may find happiness and balance in your family.
1. It's OK to ask for what you need from your family.
2. It's OK to speak up in your family.
3. It's OK to challenge things you don't agree with in your family.
4. It's advisable to talk with family members with the same care and respect you would show to anyone else.
5. We should talk about our family's challenges and do away with secrets.
6. It's OK for families to talk about difficult things and try to find ways to function more effectively.
7. Families can change any time they want.
8. Families often benefit from having an uninvolved, outside person give them a fresh perspective on what's going on and how to fix it.
9. We owe it to ourselves and our families to be as healthy as possible.
10. Why live in misery when we can work toward joy and balance?
Families often get stuck doing things a certain way because they don't know about any other way to do things. It's been my experience that there is always hope for happiness and reconciliation. All it takes is some courage and some work.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach Reno
1. It's OK to ask for what you need from your family.
2. It's OK to speak up in your family.
3. It's OK to challenge things you don't agree with in your family.
4. It's advisable to talk with family members with the same care and respect you would show to anyone else.
5. We should talk about our family's challenges and do away with secrets.
6. It's OK for families to talk about difficult things and try to find ways to function more effectively.
7. Families can change any time they want.
8. Families often benefit from having an uninvolved, outside person give them a fresh perspective on what's going on and how to fix it.
9. We owe it to ourselves and our families to be as healthy as possible.
10. Why live in misery when we can work toward joy and balance?
Families often get stuck doing things a certain way because they don't know about any other way to do things. It's been my experience that there is always hope for happiness and reconciliation. All it takes is some courage and some work.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach Reno
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Put Yourself First Because You're Important
We frequently give ourselves to others in ways that weaken our spirit and take us down a road we don't want to travel. It's almost as if we lose our sense of who we are and hand over our destiny to another person.
One of the reasons why relationships stagnate or engender conflict is that the parties have forgotten that they are the most important person in the world. We benefit by first understanding ourselves and working out our own issues and then entering relationships. In this way, relationships become about a connection between two or more healthy people rather than individuals who facilitate each other's negative behaviors.
Think of yourself as the most important person in the world. Work on yourself first and you will attract people who will enjoy you for who you are, not for what they can get out of you.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach
One of the reasons why relationships stagnate or engender conflict is that the parties have forgotten that they are the most important person in the world. We benefit by first understanding ourselves and working out our own issues and then entering relationships. In this way, relationships become about a connection between two or more healthy people rather than individuals who facilitate each other's negative behaviors.
Think of yourself as the most important person in the world. Work on yourself first and you will attract people who will enjoy you for who you are, not for what they can get out of you.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach
Monday, February 8, 2010
Everyone Needs Support
When I help people figure out what they want out of life and their relationships they often ask me why some people achieve their goals and some don't. The answer is frequently that successful people ask for outside help so that they can learn new ways of doing things that break the patterns they've established. As a life coach and advisor, I am familiar with people's power to change their lives dramatically with the help of someone supportive helping them reach their goals.
It's great to have friends and family but there is an additional valuable place for having someone helping us who does not know us. It introduces an objectivity and clarity we can't get from people who know us. Some people look for help from a therapist, for others a coach is a great option, for others a class or group of some kind helps them acquire new insight. The people who most succeed at changing things in their life have this kind of outside support that opens their minds to new possibilities.
An outside, supportive person can help us see things from a more neutral point of view and can identify things that people who know us don't see. If we are stuck in the same rut it's often refreshing to just have a neutral, outside perspective that gives us clear feedback. Try it sometime: think of something you want to work on in your life and then reach out to an outside helper who can help you get where you want to go. The only thing you have to lose is what you have now.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach
It's great to have friends and family but there is an additional valuable place for having someone helping us who does not know us. It introduces an objectivity and clarity we can't get from people who know us. Some people look for help from a therapist, for others a coach is a great option, for others a class or group of some kind helps them acquire new insight. The people who most succeed at changing things in their life have this kind of outside support that opens their minds to new possibilities.
An outside, supportive person can help us see things from a more neutral point of view and can identify things that people who know us don't see. If we are stuck in the same rut it's often refreshing to just have a neutral, outside perspective that gives us clear feedback. Try it sometime: think of something you want to work on in your life and then reach out to an outside helper who can help you get where you want to go. The only thing you have to lose is what you have now.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tips for Communicating Well in Relationships
People often ask me what to do on a date or in a relationship when trying to start a conversation. Many of us learned how to communicate in our families and with friends so we may only know one style; our own. Learning a couple of basic skills can help us make the most of communicating with anyone. Try these ideas next time you are talking to a date or someone you are in a relationship with.
1. Listen actively.
2. Ask open ended questions.
3. Listen actively.
4. Did I mention listening actively?
One of the easiest ways to help a conversation get started and build is to listen and ask questions. To be an active listener try the following:
1. Look at the other person.
2. Really listen carefully and give all your attention to what the other person says rather than thinking about what you want to say next.
3. Nod or say uh-huh to indicate you are listening.
Open ended questions are formed by asking questions that can't be answered with a yes or no. Ask "What did you think about that?" rather than "I bet your really thought that was horrible." The open ended question will invite the other person to tell you more rather than answering yes or no.
Try these common sense ideas and you will be on your way to gaining a new understanding of other people. I wish you all the best as you begin mastering the art of communication.
Take care,
1. Listen actively.
2. Ask open ended questions.
3. Listen actively.
4. Did I mention listening actively?
One of the easiest ways to help a conversation get started and build is to listen and ask questions. To be an active listener try the following:
1. Look at the other person.
2. Really listen carefully and give all your attention to what the other person says rather than thinking about what you want to say next.
3. Nod or say uh-huh to indicate you are listening.
Open ended questions are formed by asking questions that can't be answered with a yes or no. Ask "What did you think about that?" rather than "I bet your really thought that was horrible." The open ended question will invite the other person to tell you more rather than answering yes or no.
Try these common sense ideas and you will be on your way to gaining a new understanding of other people. I wish you all the best as you begin mastering the art of communication.
Take care,
Guy
Friday, January 15, 2010
Reacting to Everything
Many people spend their lives reacting to perceived slights and conflicts. They have learned somewhere that the way you deal with anything is to jump into reactive mode and get mad at people. You've probably met someone like this: They see someone across the room and immediately assume that that person is talking about them, so they jump into a rage, get sad or shut down.
Reacting based on assumptions or our inner dialogue is one of the major behaviors that keeps people from connecting with one another. If we spend our time assuming that someone is trying to hurt us we live a very specific kind of life that is based on ongoing hurt and conflict. People live this way for a variety of reasons but mainly because they learned it at a young age and don't know any other way of doing things. The good news is that you get to choose what kind of life you live starting right now. Here are some tips so that you can move from reactive to calm.
1. Assume people aren't talking about you.
2. Assume that people aren't trying to hurt you.
3. Live a life that helps you bring joy to others.
4. Seek professional help to work through why you react to others.
5. Learn to identify the feelings that come up inside you and calm them down.
6. Try not to pre-judge people's motivations.
7. Have an alternate plan for how you will react positively.
8. Listen to people until they are finished talking; then act.
9. Practice patience.
10. Focus first on making yourself a better person and growing.
There's nothing wrong with experiencing emotions unless they limit our ability to interact positively with others. Try working on the steps we've mentioned and you'll be on your way to seeing the world in a different light.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach
How to Deal with Codependence
Codepence is a buzzword that we use for all kinds of relationship issues but people sometimes don't realize it's impact on relationships. Codependence takes its toll on relationships because we behave in ways that focus more on others than ourselves. A wife may live through trying to control her husband or children, a boyfriend can't rest when his girlfriend is not with him because he can't control her.
Codependence can be loosely defined as behaviors that come about because we have to or choose to ignore ourselves and, instead, focus our energy on someone else. Codependence can come about from a basic need to control, a lack of self-awareness, insecurity, or traumatic situations in a family but the common denominator is that it robs us of our ability to control our own lives.
The good news is that we can redirect our energy and pay far less attention to other people and much more to ourselves. Clearly defining who we are and what we want helps us to break away from living through others. Think about it: the mom who says, "I live to make cookies for my kids," is not living for herself but rather needs constant reinforcement from the outside to make her feel valued.
We can feel better about ourselves and stop living through others by doing things that make us feel positive about ourselves. Next time you feel obsessed by what someone else is doing try to realize that you can't control someone else and your happiness doesn't depend on them. Try doing something positive that builds you up and increases what you know about yourself. Once you learn how to take care of yourself you can reach out in ways that build healthy, two-way relationships, not codependent ones.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach
Codependence can be loosely defined as behaviors that come about because we have to or choose to ignore ourselves and, instead, focus our energy on someone else. Codependence can come about from a basic need to control, a lack of self-awareness, insecurity, or traumatic situations in a family but the common denominator is that it robs us of our ability to control our own lives.
The good news is that we can redirect our energy and pay far less attention to other people and much more to ourselves. Clearly defining who we are and what we want helps us to break away from living through others. Think about it: the mom who says, "I live to make cookies for my kids," is not living for herself but rather needs constant reinforcement from the outside to make her feel valued.
We can feel better about ourselves and stop living through others by doing things that make us feel positive about ourselves. Next time you feel obsessed by what someone else is doing try to realize that you can't control someone else and your happiness doesn't depend on them. Try doing something positive that builds you up and increases what you know about yourself. Once you learn how to take care of yourself you can reach out in ways that build healthy, two-way relationships, not codependent ones.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Can Things Make You Happy?
I frequently coach people who genuinely believe that buying things will make them happy. Time after time they realize that buying stuff really doesn't affect their long term happiness. Sure, there is a buzz that comes from buying something you like but it doesn't resolve the underlying things that are vital to fulfillment. This doesn't mean that you can't be happy buying things, it just requires that you put some thought into why you buy stuff. If you buy objects with the hopes of feeling better about yourself, I have some basic questions you can ask yourself to help you focus on what's really going on.
1. Do I really need this object?
2. How am I focusing on fixing the deeper issues in my life?
3. Do I feel less whole when I can't shop?
4. In what ways does buying things affect my emotions?
5. Does shopping help me postpone feeling emotions?
6. Do I hide the fact that I buy stuff from others?
7. Do I have to buy other stuff to keep the buzz going?
8. In what other areas of my life could I devote more energy and thought?
9. Could my money be used for long-term success?
10. How am I defined by my things?
The answers to these questions will help you get some perspective on how your buying habits affect your life. There's nothing wrong or horrible with buying nice things unless it prevents you from looking at the deeper stuff in life.
Take care,
Guy
Life Coach
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Self Esteem Building with a Life Coach
A coach can help you build your self esteem by helping you connect with who you really are and discover your strengths and talents. We are all born with an amazing range of skills and interests. I always recommend that people connect with what they really want to do.
If you love art, pursue art.
If you love business, start a business.
If you love sports, play sports.
For any dream you have there is a practical way you can get started. If you love writing you can do any number of things today to start following your dream. The only thing stopping you is you.
A life coach can help you get unstuck and tap into the wonderful talents you possess. I work with people just like you so that you can figure out what you want out of life and develop a plan to achieve it.
A life coach is a person who believes in you, listens to you and supports your dreams and ambitions. I love helping people live the lives they want and experience possibilities. I can't think of anything more rewarding that watching someone experience the joy that comes from living the life they want to live.
Keep reaching for your dreams,
Guy
Life Coach
If you love art, pursue art.
If you love business, start a business.
If you love sports, play sports.
For any dream you have there is a practical way you can get started. If you love writing you can do any number of things today to start following your dream. The only thing stopping you is you.
A life coach can help you get unstuck and tap into the wonderful talents you possess. I work with people just like you so that you can figure out what you want out of life and develop a plan to achieve it.
A life coach is a person who believes in you, listens to you and supports your dreams and ambitions. I love helping people live the lives they want and experience possibilities. I can't think of anything more rewarding that watching someone experience the joy that comes from living the life they want to live.
Keep reaching for your dreams,
Guy
Life Coach
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