Tips for Communicating Well in Relationships

People often ask me what to do on a date or in a relationship when trying to start a conversation. Many of us learned how to communicate in our families and with friends so we may only know one style; our own. Learning a couple of basic skills can help us make the most of communicating with anyone. Try these ideas next time you are talking to a date or someone you are in a relationship with.

1. Listen actively.
2. Ask open ended questions.
3. Listen actively.
4. Did I mention listening actively?

One of the easiest ways to help a conversation get started and build is to listen and ask questions. To be an active listener try the following:

1. Look at the other person.
2. Really listen carefully and give all your attention to what the other person says rather than thinking about what you want to say next.
3. Nod or say uh-huh to indicate you are listening.

Open ended questions are formed by asking questions that can't be answered with a yes or no. Ask "What did you think about that?" rather than "I bet your really thought that was horrible." The open ended question will invite the other person to tell you more rather than answering yes or no.

Try these common sense ideas and you will be on your way to gaining a new understanding of other people. I wish you all the best as you begin mastering the art of communication.

Take care,

Guy

Life Coach

Reacting to Everything

Many people spend their lives reacting to perceived slights and conflicts. They have learned somewhere that the way you deal with anything is to jump into reactive mode and get mad at people. You've probably met someone like this: They see someone across the room and immediately assume that that person is talking about them, so they jump into a rage, get sad or shut down.

Reacting based on assumptions or our inner dialogue is one of the major behaviors that keeps people from connecting with one another. If we spend our time assuming that someone is trying to hurt us we live a very specific kind of life that is based on ongoing hurt and conflict. People live this way for a variety of reasons but mainly because they learned it at a young age and don't know any other way of doing things. The good news is that you get to choose what kind of life you live starting right now. Here are some tips so that you can move from reactive to calm.

1. Assume people aren't talking about you.
2. Assume that people aren't trying to hurt you.
3. Live a life that helps you bring joy to others.
4. Seek professional help to work through why you react to others.
5. Learn to identify the feelings that come up inside you and calm them down.
6. Try not to pre-judge people's motivations.
7. Have an alternate plan for how you will react positively.
8. Listen to people until they are finished talking; then act.
9. Practice patience.
10. Focus first on making yourself a better person and growing.

There's nothing wrong with experiencing emotions unless they limit our ability to interact positively with others. Try working on the steps we've mentioned and you'll be on your way to seeing the world in a different light.

Take care,

Guy
Life Coach

How to Deal with Codependence

Codepence is a buzzword that we use for all kinds of relationship issues but people sometimes don't realize it's impact on relationships. Codependence takes its toll on relationships because we behave in ways that focus more on others than ourselves. A wife may live through trying to control her husband or children, a boyfriend can't rest when his girlfriend is not with him because he can't control her.

Codependence can be loosely defined as behaviors that come about because we have to or choose to ignore ourselves and, instead, focus our energy on someone else. Codependence can come about from a basic need to control, a lack of self-awareness, insecurity, or traumatic situations in a family but the common denominator is that it robs us of our ability to control our own lives.

The good news is that we can redirect our energy and pay far less attention to other people and much more to ourselves. Clearly defining who we are and what we want helps us to break away from living through others. Think about it: the mom who says, "I live to make cookies for my kids," is not living for herself but rather needs constant reinforcement from the outside to make her feel valued.

We can feel better about ourselves and stop living through others by doing things that make us feel positive about ourselves. Next time you feel obsessed by what someone else is doing try to realize that you can't control someone else and your happiness doesn't depend on them. Try doing something positive that builds you up and increases what you know about yourself. Once you learn how to take care of yourself you can reach out in ways that build healthy, two-way relationships, not codependent ones.

Take care,

Guy
Life Coach

Can Things Make You Happy?

I frequently coach people who genuinely believe that buying things will make them happy. Time after time they realize that buying stuff really doesn't affect their long term happiness. Sure, there is a buzz that comes from buying something you like but it doesn't resolve the underlying things that are vital to fulfillment. This doesn't mean that you can't be happy buying things, it just requires that you put some thought into why you buy stuff. If you buy objects with the hopes of feeling better about yourself, I have some basic questions you can ask yourself to help you focus on what's really going on.

1. Do I really need this object?
2. How am I focusing on fixing the deeper issues in my life?
3. Do I feel less whole when I can't shop?
4. In what ways does buying things affect my emotions?
5. Does shopping help me postpone feeling emotions?
6. Do I hide the fact that I buy stuff from others?
7. Do I have to buy other stuff to keep the buzz going?
8. In what other areas of my life could I devote more energy and thought?
9. Could my money be used for long-term success?
10. How am I defined by my things?

The answers to these questions will help you get some perspective on how your buying habits affect your life. There's nothing wrong or horrible with buying nice things unless it prevents you from looking at the deeper stuff in life.

Take care,

Guy
Life Coach

Self Esteem Building with a Life Coach

A coach can help you build your self esteem by helping you connect with who you really are and discover your strengths and talents. We are all born with an amazing range of skills and interests. I always recommend that people connect with what they really want to do.

If you love art, pursue art.
If you love business, start a business.
If you love sports, play sports.

For any dream you have there is a practical way you can get started. If you love writing you can do any number of things today to start following your dream. The only thing stopping you is you.

A life coach can help you get unstuck and tap into the wonderful talents you possess. I work with people just like you so that you can figure out what you want out of life and develop a plan to achieve it.

A life coach is a person who believes in you, listens to you and supports your dreams and ambitions. I love helping people live the lives they want and experience possibilities. I can't think of anything more rewarding that watching someone experience the joy that comes from living the life they want to live.

Keep reaching for your dreams,

Guy
Life Coach